


Belief

by Mary_0103



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Some Buddhism/Christianity elements involved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:27:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25055425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary_0103/pseuds/Mary_0103
Summary: Is he now using up all his ‘merits’? Is he now ‘sinful’? But who cares, he doesn’t believe it. No matter if it’s heaven, Sukhavati or hell, nothing can stop them doing anything.
Relationships: Nakajima Yuto/Okamoto Keito
Kudos: 1





	Belief

**Author's Note:**

> Extremely simplified definition of terms in Buddhism→  
> Merit (fú bào/福報): Something Buddhists can gain from having good behaviour, it is believed that people with more merit can live better, go to Sukhavati when they die and stay there for a longer time.  
> Sukhavati (jí lè shì jìe/極樂世界): Also known as the 'Western Paradise', similar to ‘heaven’ in Christianity.

Okamoto Keito studied in Britain from 6 to 15 years old. Being put alone into an English environment, he can speak English fluently like native British, he has also known lots of Western culture. However, he is still a shy and conservative boy overall, which surprised his dad so much that he can never change his personality. 

Not letting him out of touch of his origin, his dad has taken him back to Japan completing his secondary school studies. He spent the whole time in form 4 to be capable of the entirely different teaching mode and to be familiar with Japanese again, so he didn’t join any club after school; now he is in form 5 and finally adapts in this environment. He wants to play the guitar which he has practised for a long time, so he joins the band at school. In the first time he notices a rule adopted by the school that every student should participate in two separate extracurricular activities from form 4 to form 6. He cannot join any of this next year because of preparing for further studies or future career, which leads to a result that he randomly joins a club named ‘Foreign Culture Investigation Club’ and all of his spare time after school is being held by these two clubs. 

Okamoto never expects this year’s theme of the Culture Club is religion. To be worse, it's not even Christianity that he has learned in Britain, it’s Buddhism which is full of Asian mysteries and makes him feel annoyed. 

He studied in Catholic schools back in Britain. Being forced to listen to all those dogmas like being ‘guilty’ or not, or how can people go to heaven, also having examinations about these things, he is annoyed and afraid of them. Expected he could be free from these things, but accidentally forced to learn more in a different religion, he feels like he could quit the club in the next second if he didn't need to fulfil school’s requirements. 

  
  


Before he gets dizzy from the dogmas of Buddhism, he catches a word that is able to understand a little bit. 

The ‘ _merit_ ’. 

Seems like points in gaming which people can save for more and more if they have done something good, the more the better life; they would be lost if people have done something bad or they are being luxuriated. When someone loses all their merits, they fail to have a good life, unable to go to heaven after death. 

Well, it is called ‘ _Sukhavati_ ’ in Buddhism, ‘heaven’ is the term used in Christianity. 

Okamoto doesn’t see himself as a student who would sleep or daydream during class time, but in fact he wants to sleep so badly as the knowledge teaching in this club is too boring, overall he joins this club for fulfilling school’s requirements. One day, the club president and the advising teacher invites a monk to have a talk. Hell knows where they find this monk. Deep in his heart, he thinks it’s a kind of scam; however, he doesn’t dare to speak. 

The monk comes from nowhere speaks to everyone in this club one by one before he leaves, Okamoto cannot escape from it. He is being stared for nearly ten seconds and received a sentence of “Be aware of the temptations”. The monk finally goes away after speaking to him. What a strange advice. 

What would those ‘temptations’ come from, what would he be if he could stand them? Would he go to hell the next second? So he assumes everyone wants to go to heaven? 

He rebuttals everything he hears as he is annoyed. He is unable to sleep when he desperately wants to sleep. In the end, he decides to leave it aside: no need to be serious if this is not going into examinations. 

  
  


Now, let’s talk about the band. 

There are girls in this year which is surprising especially if there were only boys for many years. The former members responsible for guitar, bass and keyboard quit the band this year as they are in form 6 now; all other new members are girls except him who is the new guitarist. 

The only one remaining unchanged is the drummer, who is also the president of this club. He and Okamoto are in the same form, but he is kind of a senior as he has joined the band since form 4. His name is Nakajima Yuto. He is handsome, people have the impression that he is as tall as 1.8m because of his long legs; he has big eyes and seems like they always shine, even the moles on his face makes him more special. No matter what, no one will disagree that he is handsome, even if he sometimes acts like a girl. 

Okamoto appreciates other female members’ amazing skills playing their instruments, however also suspecting that if they join the band only for getting closer to Nakajima: they always surround him, try to talk to him during the breaks in the club activity. He thinks it’s understandable as he is not handsome enough in comparison, and he would not be jealous as he doesn’t care about this so much. Eventually, Nakajima may not want to be bothered anymore, he goes to Okamoto’s place whenever there’s a break before any girl can get close to him. He grabs Okamoto’s shoulders, goes close to his face like they could kiss next second, all he does is only to get him to talk. 

“Keito! I find a sentence structure hard to understand, please teach me!” Nakajima’s voice is sweet compared to other boys. They only meet in the band three or four times and he dares to call Okamoto by his first name already. 

Okamoto feels like he has a headache. He is good at English but has no experience teaching someone, he doesn’t want to teach something wrong even by accident. However, he sees the boy making a request blinking his big eyes, then he cannot reject. 

“Well… No problem. What’s the part you don’t know?” At last, he goes to his bag to find his English lessons notes. 

Seeing how Nakajima cheerfully jumps around after he accepts the request, he thinks the boy is like a big rabbit, and comes to a conclusion that no one in the world would ever hate him due to his cuteness. 

Their connection may start from the disturbance of the girls to Nakajima, but in the end they build a strong friendship in between which they can teach each other with different subjects, or share some episodes in daily life. They become each other’s English and Japanese tutor; or they listen to whatever the other had said, such as Okamoto’s boring knowledge learned inside the Culture club. Originally they only meet in the band, then they will meet a lot more, sometimes spending breaks or lunchtime together. 

“It seems troublesome to believe in any of this. ” Okamoto says while eating sandwiches. 

“Anyway, they need to behave well? But won’t it be like they only care about the utilities? Only believe in it since they can get something good. And there are so many limits.” Nakajima expresses his opinion and even forgets that he hasn’t finished his lunch. 

“Oh, how about the ‘ _merit_ ’ you heard in the club? Hasn’t that person talked about what people shouldn’t do? If so, won’t it be difficult for those believers? ”

“We didn’t get much answer… Well, I expect it’s like what’s in Christianity? ”

Nakajima rolls his eyes, grabs Okamoto’s hands as he just finishes his sandwiches, in a glance this is like having a prayer. 

“If this actually exists in the world, Keito must be the one getting the most _merits_ , the fastest one going to heaven, because you are so kind. ” 

  
  


Later, all form 5 students have to do a English book report, Okamoto has already chosen his favorite fiction. Then, Nakajima comes to his classroom in the last fifteen minutes, and drags him to the corner of the corridor where no students will pass through. 

“Keito~ I know this is not right, but… ” Nakajima should be a little taller than him, but the way that the boy lowers his head and stares at him is like a cute little kid. 

He receives a request of helping this boy with reading English fiction: wanting the help of someone good at English side by side while reading. 

“How about we read the same book? The teacher will not suspect anything, book choices are easy to be repeated as there are so many students. ”

At last, he gives his original choice up and reads the book that Nakajima chooses. He wants to ask why he would choose that book as it is difficult for him, but he decides not to since he doesn’t want to judge others’ choice. Then, he finds out Nakajima chooses a romance novel when he searches for related information. 

Okamoto finds the book difficult for both of them: Nakajima cannot understand sometimes; he can understand but it’s hard to translate the content back to Japanese. For some parts, he would do explanations or translations if there are so many unfamiliar phrases or sentence structures; for now, he thinks the following parts are not so hard so he leaves them to Nakajima reading by himself. 

Nakajima has a habit of reading aloud. Compared to other Japanese, he has a good English pronunciation, so it’s kind of an enjoyment listening to his reading. Now they are staying together after school, he rushed into Okamoto's classroom and arbitrarily sat on the seat beside him. Their shoulders stick to each other when they read the book, so are their faces. 

“ _…You’re basically scrambling to come to terms with something, which, unbeknownst to you, has been brewing for weeks under your very nose and bears all the symptoms of what you’re forced to call_ **_I want_ ** _._ ”

He inhales hard, then continues to read aloud. 

“ _How couldn’t I have known, you ask?_ ”

” _I know desire when I see it._ ”

There are more, but he stops. 

Okamoto feels like something is different when the sentences are read by Nakajima: the voice while reading is deeper than usual, it’s especially emotional for him. He has a feeling of getting an electric shock at that moment, he almost jumps up but is able to control himself in order not to scare the other person. 

He sees Nakajima already put down the book and stares at him, their faces are getting even closer. 

His heart beats fast, his face should be red and in heat now as if he has just participated in PE lessons before. Then he notices for the first time, there is a small scar next to Nakajima’s lips. 

“Keito? ” Nakajima is calling him, he can feel the warm breath by his eyes and nose, having a feeling of almost being intoxicated. 

“Yuto, how about we end here today-” “Sorry, I almost forgot you have the Culture Club meeting today- ”

They talk at the same time. 

In the end, Okamoto escapes from his classroom to the meeting room; Nakajima acts like he has no intention to go away or move at all. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


‘Be filial. Always respect others. No sexual misconduct. Be frugal. Help others. Be kind. To sacrifice yourself. ’

Okamoto Keito stays at home alone this Sunday as his father goes out to gather with friends. He is so bored that he sleeps. Unfortunately dreaming back of the day that the monk visited the Culture Club, he wakes up in a cold sweat right after he is forced to listen to the ‘seven rules to gain _merits_ ’ in repetition. 

Someone asked the monk what would be counted as ‘sin’ in Buddhism, eventually the monk talked about everything, even scriptures Buddhists used in freeing animals, the only thing which remained not answered was the ‘sin’. He thinks it’s not just the problem of having no answer, even if he hears the answer, he would not understand at all. 

Maybe all the believers of each religion share the same problem, especially the priests and the monk according to his little prior knowledge. They cannot answer any question in a precise and concise way, or they like answering them with some phrases which are too vague for people to understand; at last, they would blame people for not accepting or believe in them when they fail in preaching. Then he comes up with a conclusion that the rules in both Christianity and Buddhism are overbearing. No one would like to suffer in pain, no one would like to lose all of their comfortable lives before and after death only because they are being a bit luxuriated. 

Secondary school students are unable to understand these profound knowledge, even for Okamoto who learned about other religions before, and now he recalls the memory of the monk telling him to “be aware of the temptations”. 

The ‘temptation’ must be something bad or harmful, right? 

He thinks himself as a mannered person as he hasn’t done any discrimination or abuse before, and he treats everyone kindly; even if he ignores other members in band together with Nakajima, helps Nakajima with his English book report, they should not be something that bad. 

In fact, he feels that he is so happy recently, or he should say he is so happy this year. He can participate in a band, knows Nakajima as a best friend to share their daily life and tackle academic problems together, his English skills are finally being appreciated and useful. He is satisfied with everything except not falling in love with someone. However this is already much happier than he expected before he went back to Japan. 

Unless someone comes to tell him that it’s a temptation wanting to feel happy, and finding happiness is a kind of sin. 

  
  


He almost finishes the novel. He read a part that is so sad that he feels pity, and the deep sorrow makes him kinda suffocated. He picks up his mobile phone under his pillow, tries to call Nakajima, sharing his feelings; but remembering that the boy reads much slower which only reads until the middle part, he gives up. 

So he has nothing to do as he has finished other homework already and decides to sleep again. He also tries to imagine Nakajima’s reaction when he reads the part. 

He can even hear the voice reading aloud that part. 

“ _You had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than friendship, and I envy you…_ ”

“ _In your place, if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don’t sniff it out, don’t be brutal with it…_ ”

Until he can see his scar next to his lips in an extremely close distance, he feels the warm breath coming out from him; the person being watched is still reading. 

Until he sees him stop reading, raises the book on his hand to shelter from all the light. They kiss under the shadow of the book, the whole process is too smooth and natural. 

Then Okamoto wakes up, full of cold sweat on his body and messy in mind. 

He thinks this should not be right. 

No one tells him that he can do this, and the religious dogmas that he doesn’t believe in tell that people cannot do this. 

Just like having a kiss for minutes, he cannot breathe normally, he thinks he is being dragged out from the sea and feels suffocated. 

But he misses the dream. 

In the end, he sits on the bed and huddles up. Being unable to help himself from recalling the voice while reading, the breath, and the little scar. 

He may like that dream. 

What a dream full of happiness. 

It’s too bad that he wakes up: assuming it would be broken due to an unknown force majeure, then being told that he should not do this and this is a sin. 

Although he believes that he does not believe in it. 

  
  
  


After they’ve handed in the book report, Okamoto decides to not get close to Nakajima anymore except in band, and he indeed practises for a month. During this time, Nakajima is not in a good mood; the girl members are originally happy about two male members finally separate from each other and they can get close to the president again, but they are scared of him having no smile at all and then don’t dare to do so. 

Then Okamoto notices a fact that he cannot stand Nakajima being unhappy, and he is extremely uncomfortable with them not talking to each other; he feels like being placed in a living hell during this time. So he gets the courage to say sorry, and surprises by not being asked what happened. He feels guilty when Nakajima smiles and says “Even Keito would have time in a bad mood, so that’s okay”. 

Getting closer to the time of being form 6 students, the teachers distribute a worksheet to all students, wanting to know their thoughts about further studies or careers. Both of them mention it during lunchtime. 

“I may- I may want to study Economics or Finance… Actually I still have no idea. ” Nakajima frowns while talking about this topic. 

“Well, I may study English or Translation? I am kinda good at this and I like it. ”

“But when we enter the university, we can no longer be together every day- ” “Then how about we go to the same university? ”

Nakajima is still grumbling at first, stopping in shock as he hears what the other one says. Okamoto covers his month once he notices what he has just said, it’s due to instinct. 

Then everything goes into silence. 

“Well, I will set my target as ‘going to the same university with Keito’ then.” Nakajima breaks the silence, his voice is so soft for unknown reasons. 

“I will be more willing to work hard if Keito is by my side. ”

At this moment, Okamoto feels his heart beating so fast. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Okamoto Keito finds that he is also the kind of human full of contradictions in mind. 

He repeats the words that he ‘doesn’t care’ or ‘hates’ it, but he is being shackled by it in his mind. Like a fool catches himself in a cocoon, and he doesn’t notice the fact of being a fool until the very moment. 

He claims that he doesn’t believe in any religion and he also claims this in front of Nakajima, then he finally finds himself being shackled in all those ideologies, only because he has listened to them for too long that he cannot help himself. 

He forces himself to suffer in pain. 

Now he asks, if he is now sinful because of having too much happiness? Or is he now committing a crime? 

  
  


After all other members have left the band room, Nakajima Yuto walks towards him and forces him to step even backwards until his back touches the corner of the wall. He is trapped by one arm, being looked down at due to his disadvantage in height. 

He seldom sees him in such a serious expression. 

Then he looks up, looks at the boy in front of him. 

“Yuto, why are you crying? ”

“Why can’t Keito say you love me? ” He never expects Nakajima would really cry, his eyes are so red making him look like a big rabbit. 

“You love me, right? I always feel like that! ”

“Your eyes are always tracking me, and you are thinking of me when you imagining your future, ”

“So what are you scared of… ”

He even raises his fingers to wipe away his tears, and he realises himself also crying; he is even already shouting his love deep down in his heart. 

“But it’s okay even if I misunderstand everything, because I love Keito so much, nothing else is more important then… ”

Okamoto grabs and holds his two hands when Nakajima puts down his arm. He breathes hard and tries to speak but fails, as he has a feeling of his mouth being covered and his neck being squeezed. For the first time in his 17-year-life he would think that his body is impeding him to express himself: just like a big and inseparable cocoon with a great soundproof function, his voice is being blocked from sending out. 

“I never know that Keito is so dumb! ”

“Fuck the ‘sin’ or ‘ _merits_ ’; don’t care if people can go to heaven, the so-call ‘ _Sukhavati_ ’, or go to hell; they should not be things thinking over by teenagers like us! Just do whatever you want! ”

Nakajima shouts, while he holds the two hands holding his at first. 

Okamoto sees Nakajima for now as tearing a big cocoon by his bare hands, trying to make him see the light of hope. 

“I don’t fucking care about the so-call ‘ _merits_ ’ or ‘heaven’, all I care is that you are with me or not; it’s ‘heaven’ and the other paradise for me, as long as I’m with you. ”

“All I would believe in are myself, the happiness and desire. ”

After that, Okamoto who is being saved from darkness tiptoes to kiss Nakajima, stops him from continuing his speech. Similar to the dream he misses, only the one who is more active changes, and there is no book to block any light. 

Time passes and the classroom gradually sinks into darkness, even darker than the scene inside the dream. However, Okamoto feels the surroundings being brighter, both of them should be inside of lights. 

  
  
  


At last, they kiss in a corner of the corridor where people seldom pass through. They are in heaven when they can hug, they are having the biggest _merit_ in life when they can kiss. Anyway, none of them believe in any existing religions in the world. Even if they use up all _merits_ in their lives just because of being too happy, even if they are sinful enough to die just because of falling in love with another boy, even if they can be banished to eternal darkness or hell the next second by any God; they still care about none of these. Things in the future should better be unclear; so, no matter if it's heaven, _Sukhavati_ or hell, nothing can stop them doing anything. 

Being secondary school students, they are reluctant and disdained to think of ideas which are too vague that become meaningless, since they don’t believe in them. Only things real are the happiness and desire. No matter if a real God is coming, or who is trying to set any doctrine to chain them, all they would be obedient to are themselves. 

People who are savage and being mavericks only believe in themselves. In Nakajima Yuto’s and Okamoto Keito’s case, all they believe in are themselves and each other. 

-End-

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this strange story!! 
> 
> All sentences in italics are quoted from "Call Me By Your Name".  
> Welcome to criticisms especially the ones related to language problems.   
> Chinese version is posted on LOFTER. 
> 
> ((((Probably I am the one going to hell in the end_(:3」∠)_


End file.
